Epilogue: Out of the Frying Pan...

There is a beat, constant, pounding in my chest... rolling across my body... echoing in my mind.
I feel it creating a drive in my soul, screaming mysterious inspiration to my every thought.

Like fiery synapses I am beginning to come back to life with a white hot passion.
And the cries of fear and anguish seem like distant growing threats.

But I am now refreshed..
And the fight becomes an object of my purest desires.

The rhythm of awakening begins to pulse louder and my eyes focus and begin to recognize my surroundings I had closed them off to since long before I remember.

And I feel the icy hands upon me once again.

"Your struggle has not freed u from 'my' cold, unending absolution, boy"

I need not look behind to know the destruction that lies in my wake. This paradise of the mind becomes a wasteland with each step I take, and every word I speak echoes the breath of Desolation.

"I am no pawn of Death, no servant to the Voidless Darkness. My works reflect my existence and my truth is more absolute than any power you wield, Reaper."

My words echo far into the distant plains of Paradise as if, despite even my presence, the land is vacant with only the seasons and storms to occupy it. And before I can relish the victory in my resolute defiance, the hand tightens upon me and what spirit I have left in me is drained instantly from my soul.

"Then Exist, servant of No One, and be proud of the works you wreak upon this realm. Continue this parade of Truth so absolute, and know I am not too far behind."

Did the hand let go at that moment? Or had it lingered for eternity, slowly coming off as time dragged by? All I felt was the echoes of words ringing in my ears and blackness covering my vision. I layed in cold sweat, lifeless and alone. However, whether it was 1 minute or 1 lifetime I did not remember but I felt the beat again. The rhythm that had awakened me just not too long ago was coming slow at first then stronger as it began pulsing through my body, burning through my Soul. I felt the fiery fury and rage fuel my blood and bones once again and rose awake as quickly as I fell.

The air resonated with the same warmth that I felt pouring from my every limb and I breathed in the sweet air that had been absent in me for so long. The surroundings remained the same, with the paradise stretching out as far as the eye can see, with the exception of the waste and destruction that rolled in my wake. As I gazed behind me I felt myself smile...

And I continued forward.

Act III: Clarifications

Restless... and yet Calm.

After thousands of images raced through my mind for long as I can remember, I reached forward, heard a voice, and found the answer I had been looking for, against all probable odds...

And I missed.

As I turned and opened my hand to reveal the emptiness grasped within it finally dawned on me. What I am looking for isn't anywhere near the jumbled confusion I had been wallowing in for this whole time. The voice I had heard had asked the most peculiar question... Completely unassuming and innocently inquisitive, though it sparked a feeling in me that froze me to the core. It wasn't even the question itself that piqued my interest but the mere fact that in posing the question, they opened my eyes to what I had not noticed before.

I was digging in my pile of gray memories and sordid lies because I believed the answer to my troubles to be found inside myself. But my Origins did not begin with me alone, others were the key to my current turbulent fears.

For once in a long time I finally looked down at my troubles and a slow smirk stretched across my face like hearing a juicy secret revealed to confirm all of ones suspicions. I rose and began to walk away from the growing torrential storm of haunting memory, nightmares, and dreams lashing at my back as I left them behind in my deep conscious mind.

And yet, as the old saying goes... (Cont.)

Origins.

After the sundering and collapse of my dreams and reality, something emerged from the burned away husk of what I once had been before. And very slowly but surely I began to recollect what memory hadn't completely been shattered and twisted by my own quickly growing imagination. I seemed to recall people's faces in environments I couldn't have seen them. I concluded that despite my condition.. the world would continue to turn. The sun would rise and set and the people would continue to sleep and wake regardless of my personal volition.

But there was something terribly wrong... I had noticed it from the moment I had awakened. It was a dark emptiness inside me that had consumed my mind entirely. Reasons to feel happy, angry, or sad were gone entirely. I couldn't make sense of it at the time and decided to start slow with this new feeling that had taken residence within me until I could get a better idea of what it was.

I began to notice the drastic changes in my mood as soon as I hit the school doors of my junior high.. Not being that I noticed the additions to how I was reacting to others and the events there, but the sheer lack of reaction I had to anything or anyone. Everything had lost its energy in what I experienced. I laughed at jokes because they were considered humorous and made others laugh. I felt sad for the shortcomings of others because they needed a sympathetic ear, not because I cared about them. The world I once knew to be a life of friendships, relationships, and the pursuit of bettering oneself and the lives of others through goals and dreams had become an analytical shell of needs and wants and my purpose to fulfill them while I waited to find my purpose in all of it. I never cried for another's loss, and I never felt remorse for hurting another's feelings in order to see how they'd react. I became a parasitic observer of the lives and endeavors of others. As easily as I could make your day cheery and full of laughs, I could turn to the next person and make them feel absolutely miserable down to the pit of their soul simply by analyzing the reactions and habits of their moods.

I made "friends" laugh, whether with me or at my expense didn't matter so long as I had gotten the result I desired. I made others cry, and regret ever trying to pursue anything they believed was good for them. And I was afraid.

Maybe I had some underlying desire to ruin others... Maybe I relished the feeling of bringing others pain... Maybe I was jealous of their life no matter how simple or unfulfilled it was for them and I wanted to hurt them... Or maybe I was just thinking things out more than I needed to... but after waking up that morning, years and years ago, empty and cold and alone in my warm and meagerly comfortable bed I had a purpose. I had a hunger that needed satisfying. And I had a plan set out to feed that hunger.

Anything I could use to communicate to another person, be it spoken, read, texted, chatted, emailed, or anything at all I scoured for the emotion I wanted from them to sate my growing hunger. I could not feel anything good or bad for myself so when I desired happiness I made another happy and felt satisfied... And likewise, when I was wallowing in depression I had a bitter resolve to bring down anyone else no matter how far didn't matter to me. So long as they felt a shred of misery and emptiness I felt I was satisfied and moved on.

Since then my methods matured and evolved. I became kind and cruel. I was trusting and backstabbing. I would welcome any poor soul with open arms as I chose suitable and then undermine and suffocate slowly until I lost interest and let them go on living their lives. I had no care of the damage done or the healing made to another so long as what I set out to make them feel happened. If I felt they weren't hurt enough over their life situation I would cut them down ever so smoothly and deceptively so they never figured I wanted them hurt and let me hurt them more with my sick mind games.

But then, something happened I hadn't accounted for. A hunger... No, a desperate cry out for a specific need began to manifest itself inside me. A need to Belong. To love and be loved no matter how shallow or deeply it was it consumed me entirely. Erratically I attempted to keep up with my routine of making people happy or just fulfilling their needs and wants I couldn't shake the feeling that had secretly grown out of control. I began to think constantly of my impact I made on others and if it was even remotely effective enough to make me somewhat of a requisite in their life. And despite my hardest efforts, I failed to make any connection with anyone I knew and as quick as I met them they disappeared from my life. I was alone again.

Just as I had once resolved to feed the hungering emotional rage inside me... I tried to think of a plan to fulfill this need and came to a dead end. I had no one that cared enough for me... Even the few that I poured my heart and soul into to make their lives happy because I thought it would make them happy enough to want to keep me around had moved on with their lives and left me behind... I couldn't blame them... After all I had no regrets leaving anyone else behind why should I expect any different from them?

So here I sit, an empty shell of life serving the needs of others. My Self-Actualization had become realized and I had no way of fulfilling it. Not a day goes by now that I can feel Death's icy hands resting on my shoulders like a father rests proudly upon his son as he watches over his offspring's endeavors. What happened on that night so long ago? Did I look into the dark doorway and turn away victoriously to live on... Or was I spared for the purpose of carrying out the work of a Being I cannot see...

I have seen the Living and know enough about them to know I do not belong. I am the walking Dead in this world. I am the walking Dead...

When Life can't sell itself better than Death...

I'm thinking of a word... I want it to be a perfect word... You can sit and try to think of all the hundreds upon thousands upon 10s of thousands of words in the world and somehow each can only match part of what you are... People can be Happy but Unaccomplished. Or Depressed but Sociable. Theres always more to you past what you say you originally are.

As for me? I'm a little bit of a lot of things, although when I try to think of it I feel nothing at all. I'm empty as the vacuum of space and overflowing with so many thoughts and feelings I could very well break down and explode.. I used to only be bugged by the more monotonous, routine activities of life, and nothing else got me down. I had work, video games, family, laundry, paying bills, and eating down to a science. Even sleep, although short and long between, was manageable within reason.

"But I'm breaking."

I'm feeling the drag catching up to me. Its been eroding my mind, body, heart, and soul slowly but surely for a good long.. long time now and its finally reaching its breaking limit. I try to make sense of what this feeling is eating away at me and after weeks and months of figuring and theorizing I turn to others to help me figure this out...

"And no one is there."

I realize all too quickly what had been eating at me and leaving nothing behind but emptiness inside. It was all the normal wear and tear anyone would experience but I had nothing maintaining me and I'm breaking. But... where did they all go? All my close friends I could confide and the family I could relate to and recuperate my sense of being...

"Suicide is callin'.."

I can feel it, resting comfortable and smug in the back of my mind. Like an overlord it sits back on its haunches surrounded by the spoils of war it has collected from me over all this time and holds firm it's whip, greedily baiting me with its riches and the death and blackness that welcomes it. I try to find solace in my memories but they have all frozen and grayed out. The wide variety of wonder and intrigue of each image has all conformed together to a dead, hazy, gray-scaled visual that I can no longer focus upon and reminiscence is impossible.

"What choice have I left?"

I can't even recall when the connections I had holding me together severed and began breaking me apart. How many weeks... months... or years has it been since I can say I was held together good 'n' tight and there was nothing for me to worry about?

"What have I become?"

I am distant... isolating... bitter. I am passively capable of severing any emotional, mental, social, or physical tie I have with anyone and anything. Food loses its taste and becomes nothing more than a necessity I must necessitate in order to survive. Sleep is a requisite in order to maintain the energy to keep moving every day, no longer can I enjoy the moments before the dreams begin thinking back on the good things that happened that day. And when I wake the routine begins again and the idea of staying under the covers for another minute to relish that feeling of absolute comfort one feels in the morning that convinces one so well that sleeping forever is the solution to all the problems in one's life. My friendships are surface deep, and shallow. I talk like I am mandated to recite everything just because I'm told to, not because I have something warming and inspirational to say to lift up the spirits of others or because I have a drive to get to know people better than I do.

"I'm cold..."

What is moving me forward then? What incentive have I to keep on trying? If I died people would be sad... but people are always sad when another dies... Every species in the world has the ability to connect with others of its kind and mourn for the loss of its friends, companions, family, or offspring... So what keeps me from driving into a ravine, walking in front of a bus, or blowing myself away and welcoming the festering darkness that has conditioned me so slowly to accept the black nothing that eats away at my very existence?

Then it dawns on me. I have been this way already for so long. Its not that I am losing the feelings that give Life meaning. Long, long ago I lost everything once. I gave up my memories, my childhood joys, my broken spirit, all that I thought was dear to me and sat at Death's door. Tightly holding the instrument of my destruction in hand I looked into the Gaping Maw and saw the reality that was to be my life from that moment on. I gazed deeply for what seemed an eternity into the endless void of black and heard the whispers...

"Come to us, boy..." "You haven't purpose in that place.." "This is where you belong..."

But I didn't listen.

I have a terrible habit of not so closely following the advice of others and until I had nearly ended it all I never noticed what I was really going to lose. If I could belong somewhere simply enough by just pulling a trigger and joining the world in my dreams... Then what is the point of even being here? People have lived to be generations older than I and there must have been something better here for them than the never ending dream I could achieve by ending it all now. I had realized my all encompassing self-actualization of Living and not a moment later the gates of Death began to quake violently in my lucid world. Then all became black.

I had freed myself. And I chose Life.

Sad thoughts...

I believe.

I believe in expecting very little to come from others socially, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I believe in being very understanding and sympathetic to others who need someone to talk to.
I believe in being patient and reserved in my outright frustration when none of them will return the favor.
I believe the world is a sham where the average humans day consists of nothing more than sleeping, eating different foods, breathing different air, working different jobs, and pursuing knowledge in different schools.
I believe that should there be an eternity and everlasting life after this one, then this life is cheap and boring in comparison. For if you spend your short span pursuing knowledge, climbing the corporate ladder, or becoming a leader or holder of office. In the long run it means you got a mediocre headstart ahead of the rest of your peers. Mediocre being that what you could do in 4 or 8 or 20 years any half interested moron can do it in an eternity.
So back to basics. Does eternity then mean that you spend the rest of your immortal existance doing pretty much what you do here? How lame is that?? But then what about being not weary or hungered forever?? Eternity takes away from us the only thing we ever became used to: Sleeping, and Eating! Whats there left to do? Work? Do SOMEthing? We'd go insane!
And lastly, the big "Heck ya" about Eternity. You get to be with the Big Man himself! Look, if this dude made me, the earth, the whole shibang. I'm already dwelling in his almighty power. Whats the difference? He's there and I can actually see him? Whoopty fuckin do.. I guess the incentive there is that you can at least physically point at him and shout ur accusations when ur mad, instead of the blue sky or some gray clouds.
So with that said, I believe eternity sucks.

But what doesn't? No Afterlife sucks, all the same reasons given before apply, except no Big Man.
Nirvana is lame. I'd get faster peace of mind with a bullet to the head and I don't need to believe to know that.
Hell, if there were a hell, in my honest opinion sounds pretty much like Eternity, only no Big Man, so its probably a lot like No Afterlife only more painful.
And Reincarnation? Come on... I get to be reborn as a bear, lion, squirrel, bird, etc...? Woooooow, no thanks.

So all them folks that talk about the glorious wonders of "Shit that happens when u Die" can shove it. I'll stick with Life. In Life, all you gotta do is Eat, Sleep, Raise Families and Work to keep on Living. And I do believe that believing in anything makes us think to much about nothing good at all when you think about it. Its probably the worst gifts ever given to us. After all, without the ability to believe in anything, we'd be just like the beasts that roam the world. Eating, Sleeping, Raising Families and Working to Live. Belief... turns the pure greatness of that simple life, into a hellish abomination. But thats humanity, whether we were born cursed to believe freely, or some God gave us this gift, I think its very much a terrible thing to have stricken upon us.

To address the Hungering

There is something inspiring about the quiet.

Time can stop so abruptly, a mere moment in life can feel like a century in your head.

I do appreciate highly the beauty I find in all forms of Life. From first glance you will find me a bit odd. Walking down halls whistling nothing in particular, drumming my hands on my legs, and strutting about in an awkward way as I keep to a tune only heard in my mind. And from first conversing you'd find me a little queer as I make random jokes about simple nonsense, poke fun at your personal life, and compare myself to inanimate objects of no note at all. You'd find me somewhat talented in useless things as I talk about how things work, elaborate on how to live life in a terribly boring fashion and learn to love the nothingness of it all. Then perhaps, if you're really lucky, you'll learn I know something about you people don't usually look for. That in all my psychotic, off the wall banter I learned something about people that they themselves never think about. That when a person sees your smile they smile back, and when I see it, I look up to your eyes and really give you a good look. You don't notice at first, I'm just starin is all, here and there. Not really making a note of what I'm thinkin at the moment. Until you say something that triggers in my mind and I come up with so perfect an answer that your closest friends couldn't possibly think of to help you. There I am, never spent more than a month in your presence and I can talk to you like I was the person you talk to in the mirror. You've got all the questions in your head, and I've got all the same... I just spend a little more time on getting the answers than others.

Confused? Don't be, its nothing special. Like I said before, I like to contemplate the less important factors of life. Find the different meaning in it all. Ask the questions nobody else cares to. Why? Because I already know how the mainstream works. It doesn't take long to know that 1+1=2... and the higher grade of thinkers know that 2+2 can equal 5... but I look at those 2*7=14 and 14/7=2 but f*0=0 and 0/0 equals zero.. And I think thats me. I take the facts of life, add my nonsense, and I get nil. But I'm a ballgame all my own cuz once I'm in your head about it, you can't take the nonsense out of the nil and get your facts back straight and savvy. Because now you see it my way. You may not accept it but its there, hiding, nice and tucked away. Waiting for that one moment you decide to take that storybook of your life and open it up a tiny bit for me. There I find your deep side of life. The questions that float around and beg for answers but get packed away cuz they're nothin but nonsense compared to the 'important' questions of life like "How much will rent be this month?" "Where will I get money for my car tomorrow?" and "How much is a double cheeseburger at Wendy's again?" Sadness...

And here I sit... in my room... alone. No one at my side. No one to answer my questions. No one to think about the nonsense with me and just let life live itself away happily. People that live the mainstream are so happy. So very content with themselves and their achievements. What is it about that that irritates me to no end? Why do I feel so... left out. They tell me to join in on the fun, take part in their happiness... but I don't. I won't. I never will. Because I belong in this solitude now. I learned the useless secrets about life and now I'm stuck, in the back of this World's mind. Getting passed up for cheeseburgers. Quaint, I'd say...

Calming the Fearful

Close your eyes, and focus on that one thing that nags on your mind... That one event that stands out in your mind, the person that lingers in your memory, the emotion that lies underneath the surface of your conscious...

I close mine, and feel the darkness I now see. It surrounds me as I stand illuminated in the vast abyss. But what is it I desire to have? What do I want from beyond this void of nothingness.